Nonsense Cookerature: How to Make a Valcup Fanfiction
by ChaMeleonNinja812
Summary: An enjoyable, fun recipe offering you guidance on how to make your very own Valcup fanfiction. Success rate is relatively low, so be prepared for spontaneous combustion, terrorrist attacks etc. Please flame, and remember that compliments are strictly forbidden. Don't Like Please Read!
1. Prolougge

_Uh, not quite sure what the duck this is yet, but I think it might be some sort of prolog._ _Anyways, enjoy!_

 **PoTaToEs**

 _A sh*tstorm._

That was exactly what was happening in the land of Fanfiction.

Pieces of excretement rained down from the greyish skies above onto the people down below, most of whom happened to be hurling chunks of their own bodily waste at one another, all the while shouting and screaming and squealing at the top of their lungs.

Amidst the chaos, one lone figure, a ninja to be exact, trudged through the muck leading a holphin behind her. The smallish ninja stopped briefly to pull her mask higher up her face, and squinted at a map held firmly in one hand.

"Almost there, Dohn Joe, almost there." she muttered, more to herself than the holphin.

Then, as an afterthought, "Gods, give me strength."

And with that, the ninja and her companion waded their way into the cave.

The deep, dark cave of Valcup.

For starters, the amount of filth in that cave was simply unbelievable. It even came up to the holphin's chest at some points, and the ninja would have to clamber onto it's back, clinging there like an anxious little spider.

She fastened her mask firmly on her face, so completely overwhelming was the smell.

At long last, they came to the deep, dark heart of the foul cave, and the ninja reached, with trembling hands, for her torch to further examine the putrid, _writhing_ mass they were currently standing in.

As the first beams of light began to illuminate the filth, Dohn Joe let out a high-pitched squeal and turned to flee.

"No, Dohn Joe! Stay!" commanded the ninja, and Dohn Joe heeded, rooted to the spot with terror, squeaking and whistling in distress.

Having thus secured her companion, with a wildly palpitating heart, the ninja turned to examine the muck around her.

"Ohhh suffering scallops," she took a step back, eyes widening in shock of what was before her.

She gritted her teeth. She was a Dragonmarker, for the Gods' sake, she could do this.

The ninja gritted her teeth. "Gods, give me strength." She spoke aloud this time, before diving headfirst into the abyss of sh*t

 ** _VoRpEnT CuRe_**

 _For your knowledge, a holphin is a creature of the Marijuana Mythos. It resembles a horse with the head of a dolphin. Dohn Joe is the name of my holphin._

 _Also, I'm not saying that all fanfiction is sh*t, only there's a lot of it, the sh*t I mean, there_ are _well-written fanfictions, only they're hard to find._

 _Sort of like hunting for gold nuggets in a cesspit._


	2. Chapter one

**_HTTYD belongs to Dreamworks and Cressida Cowell._**

 _So recently, I've been to the depths of Valcup._

 _Oh Gods the_ smell.

 _It was like...watching a horrific accident unfold before my eyes. While I was reading, all I could see in my mind's eye was this :_

 _A motorcycle crashing into the side of a car, flipping over to the other side and bursting into flames._

 _The car, madly swerving into a lorry and exploding, setting the lorry on fire._

 _The lorry, on fire now, going straight off a cliff, exploding into a ball of flames and falling into a raging river, somehow triggering another explosion, resulting in a huge mushroom cloud._

 _And the Earth exploded before my eyes._

 ** _F*ck_**

 **How to Make Valcup Fanfiction**

Thou shalt require:

 _2 porn stars_

 _350 sievefuls f*ck logic powder_

 _1 orgy_

 _2 1/2 cups incest is wincest_

 _500g nowayTHATcouldeverhappen_

 _8500000ml hentai de Sade hormones_

 _4 tablespoons badd spaling_

 _10 teaspoons worse grammar_

 _lots of porn_

 _the juice of 100 lemons_

 _1 packet smut_

 _1 revolver_

 _*porn doesn't need plot so don't even bother_

 _*don't bother with the prayers as you are beyond salvation at this point._

 _Step 1st:_

Add smut to lemon juice. Mix well for smut to fully absorb the juice. Set aside.

 _Step 2nd:_

Beat hentai hormones using electric mixer or fists at the speed of light until rabid. Sift f*ck logic into noway, then add to hormones and mix well using diamond pickaxe, as anything else would be corroded almost immediately.

 _Step 3rd:_

Ask someone to pour smut mixture into hormone mixture for you.

 _Step 4th:_

Run to a safe distance. Take cover. Brace yourself for explosion.

 _Step 5th:_

Dispose of the body. Deny everything.

 _Step 6th:_

Add porn stars to mixture and whisk well. Throw orgy, porn, and incest into mixture from a distance.

 _Step 7th:_

Repeat _Step 4th_.

 _Step 8th:_

Sprinkle with badd spaling and worse grammar. If desired, garnish with irrelevant lame-ass cover picture. Serve.

 _Step 9th:_

Wait for triggered Hiccstrid shippers, Stalka shippers or local authorities to arrive. Whichever comes first.

 _Step 10th:_

Upon their arrival, proceed to climb onto roof, laughing maniacally. Yell "You'll never catch _me_ alive!!!" enthusiastically. Point muzzle of revolver at own head and pull trigger.

 ** _You_**

 _First of all, I'm sorry for what you had to see. I'm sorry for causing the damage suffered by your eyeballs, mental welfare, ego, etc._

 _But this abomination will not be the last of its kind, so I'm sorry for that too._

 _Lastly I'm sorry for myself, as I developed a mild case of nausea as a result of doing research for this abomination._

 _Didn't really feel like eating anything for a couple of days, until salvation came today in the form of sour-spicy-veg-stew._

 _Thank Gods for stew._

 _R'amen._


	3. The chaptler twooooooo!

_Greetings, stranger._

 _So, uh, this is supposed to be the part in which I try out the recipe for myself, to see what truly horrendous things spring forth from my twisted mind._

 _Buuuut before we start, let's not forget the, uh, disclaimer thingy_.

 **Disclaimer thingy:** _HTTYD belongs to Dreamworks and Cressida Cowell._ _Not me, not Dohn Joe, not Zeref, not Osama bin Ladle._

 _Oookay, now that's out of the way, before we start let's, uhh, sing a song, shall we?_ _Now this song is_ _actually the Valcup version of_ Down by the Bay, _I just changed some words in the original version._

 _Ready? 3, 2, 1 go!_

Down back in Berk

Where everyone's a jerk

Back to my home

I dare not go

For if I do

My mother will say

 _Hey you dirty lil' schmuck_

 _D'ya wanna f*ck_

Down back in Berk!

 _*sigh* okay, okay, I'll admit it, I'm just stalling for time, I don't wanna do this, I don't want to die at the hands of the Hiccstrid and Stalka shippers 'cause they'll probably torture me and dismember me and boil me in hot oil and I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE GUYS!_

 _*siiigh* whatever._ _There goes my sanity. Yikes._

 _Enjoooy!_

 **pLeAsE**

so liek one dey in the BErk Stoik wuz ded an AStrord waz ded too FROM AIDSSSS!!!! and cuz Astord wuz ded porn sta-I meanHicoop wuz sad an he crying

"Bagels, Asstroll Y u dye."

so Hiccoop crying but then his mumm so HAWT liek goddes she su hawt she on FIRE and she say

"Son help me im on fiyah it burns"

ne then out of nowere porn sta-I mean HICcop gut an erecshun an then a flamin crocodile penus dropped outta the sky and BOOM they f*cked n fubbed n fugged n boinked n doinked n bumped uglies n did da nasty n fricky fracky n horizontal tangoed n screwed n buggered n boi thats alot of words n frizzled n frazzled in the frying pan where they got cooked to a crisp whateva i dun care imma climb on mah roof and wait for the cops now.

 **KILL ME**

 _Boi ah sure do know lots of words for sex!_

 _Whatever. I'm genuinely sorry that you had to see that. It was awful. So, so awful that surely it deserves some flames?_

 _By the way, the crocodile penis was because I remember reading somewhere that in some places of this world, crocodile penises were used as an ingredient in making aphrodisiacs._

 _Ewughh. Nasty._

 _I guess I just don't like shipping Hiccup with people who are not Astrid. Especially his mother. And his dragon._

 _To me it's like telling a married man his wife sucks and he should get a new one. Or he should f*ck his mom. Or his dog/horse/cat/cow/cowcat._

 _It's just plain weird and I can't accept it cuz im asian n asian got aranged marraige not free to luv tru luv._

 ** _Flame PLEEEEAAAASEEEE!!!_**


End file.
